One Precious Sign

Made new LJ.

2008-07-20T11:03:12Z

Figured this account ran it's course, and it's time for a new chapter in my life. :P

http://hana-na-pan.livejournal.com/

Add me if you want.

Love you all,
Nate

3:22 AM.

2008-07-03T11:04:40Z

Well, it's been a while since I've made an actual live journal post. Other then the one I made moments before, but meh, that was just spur of the moment, and I just felt like posting something about my now dull background of a boring shade of brown. Nevertheless, I'm really tired. Not physically tired, but mentally tired. I've been mentally tired for the last month.

You see, I ventured into a different role-playing world, just to see how far I could go. Give myself a shot at something different, with a subject matter I know nearly everything about it (being professional wrestling). E-feds. Simulating e-feds. You create a character in a wrestling video-game, and then you role-play as that character. Get that character in a match, which is simulated in the video-game, and you simply just role-play your results. Turned out I was pretty good. I'm currently running one right now, and as much as I like it, as much as I like role playing as six different characters, and as much as I like recording matches, I hate it. It's not the work. It's not the role-playing. It's not the fact that I've held the women's title with two different characters on three separate occasions. It's not the interaction with other characters. It's what I did, it's what I do, and what I've done, in order to feel like I'm somebody. You see, I hate myself. In order to get as far as I did, I thought of myself, and only myself. I did things that made me feel good, and I did it with the consideration on how it may effect other people. I did it knowingly. And now, people I've talked too in the past, with the exception of Irene (who recently just started talking to me again, out of complete surprise) no longer do. That's one of the reasons I hate it. Just nothing but bad vibes, and bad situations propelled me to try and make something of myself in a world where people never knew who I was.

And you know what? The funny thing about all of this, is that they still don't know who I am, because you see, I lie. And I also, do that knowingly, and I only do it because I like being referred to as female over the internet. It isn't just the usual lying. Like, blaming someone else for something bad that happened within the house. This isn't like saying your five-year old dog got into the cupboard, and ate all the peanut butter. I lie because I hate myself so much, that for some reason, I feel the need to create an entirely different person when I'm talking to people who haven't a clue who I am behind the glowing computar monitar. The crazy thing is, I enjoy it. I like being referred to as a "she," I like it. But I know what I'm doing is wrong. I know that decieving these people, decieving my few friends that I have in this new environment is wrong. I know it is. I've been doing it for so long, that I don't think I can do it anymore. I created a whole different "me," that isn't me. I can't fix it.

I know if I attempt to fix it.
I know that if I so-call, "reveal" myself, I could simply say good-bye to what I created around "myself."
Is it worth it?

Is what I'm doing worth it? I don't know if I can answer that positively. Is it worth decieving people, making them believe I'm a girl, just because it makes me feel better about myself? Even though right now, I'm completely regretting such an action, because I'm depriving myself of actually making really good personal relationships?

Hell, it was a bad vibe going into that environment in the first place. And now, I put myself in a situation where it's nothing but a headache.

Too many mistakes.
Too many mistakes that are too hard to fix.

And I can't just quit. I can't quit unless I completely cut myself off from the environment. And I...don't know if I can do that. Especially when I only have few friends to begin with, and then...that will only leave Zyn, Furii, Juan, and maybe Irene. I'm just not stable anymore. I'm just tired I guess. Morals. Bleh. 4:04 AM. 404 error, lol~

Damn!

2008-07-03T10:09:14Z

I accidentally killed my background, with my only intention being to make the text on this more easier to read. T_____T

Saltine Crackers with Cheese.

2007-11-05T10:38:46Z

Saltine Crackers with Cheese.

Not just any type of cheese. That one type which happens to be both white and orange. I know there's an official name for it, but I'm too lazy to head to the kitchen, open the rather heavy fridge door, and take a peek, but nevertheless, I used to think that just Ritz tasted good with cheese, but this week, I was proven wrong. In fact, I had some for dinner just a couple nights ago with my tunafish and celery sandwich, but that's not the point of this entry.

You see, in movies, television shows, books, short stories, videogames and songs, everything within the story being told has a reason. There's a reason there's a certain song playing through a scene, there's a reason your least favorite character manipulated your favorite character to do something against your own moral values, even if the reason is as simple as evoking a certain emotion for it's audience. The fact is, everything in the story told happens for a particular reason. Simple or complicated. So, the question is, if these different media genres all seem to share that one single trait, where does that trait come from? Can that similar trait relate to life itself?

Maybe it wasn't mere coincidence that you happened to stumble upon this journal entry. What if one's role in life is to merely give you a message. This message. Maybe I was destined to write this entry for solely your own eyes to read, and think about. I don't know, but perhaps, just maybe, this message is to impact you in some way in the future, rather that future is four to five years from now, or tomorrow. You see, I believe that in life, everything happens for a reason, nothing is merely a coincidence, though it is a fun phrase to say. You were meant to not complete that 3-page essay for your Humanities class. You were meant to run into your high school friend at the store just a couple days ago. Your loved one was meant to die just a year ago. No one's life is a complete waste, because even if you feel that you're alone, and everyone hates you, your death was meant to impact someone in some way or fashion.

The reason I'm saying this, is because lately, I've been questioning my own mortality. Who doesn't? But for some reason, it feels like I'm not going to be here soon. I don't know how to explain it, but I feel this cold that I'm getting just might reveal something I don't want to be revealed. It could just be all in my head, and it most likely is, but hey, maybe everything I was supposed to experience has already been.

----

You're not stupid. You're not lame. You're not a loser. Although it may feel like it sometimes, you're not.

I would have given anything to hear, or even read those words from someone other than me, because it's hard to believe in yourself when you're starting to believe what others may be saying about you. Whenever you're feeling down, just remind yourself that you're not either of those words, or their synonyms. Believing in such words just makes you feel worse about yourself. There isn't any need to make yourself feel worse. Don't believe anyone who tells you such lies. We each have our own talents, and just because you're not as good as someone else is, doesn't mean you suck. It just means you need to practice, if you want to get better. If you're feeling stupid, that's okay, just don't believe that you are stupid. Everyone loses, you can't win all the time. At some point in your life, you might feel like a loser, but in reality, you aren't. Why? Because if you were really a loser, you wouldn't win every so often, and winning can be anything, even if it's just making it to a friend's house on time.

--
I realized that I wanted to look like anyone in the world, it would be Mandy Moore. Random, I know, but I was just watching License to Wed around 2 hours ago, and she's just beautiful. I want to be beautiful. XD; This was completely irrelevant to the rest of the post. I just felt like pointing that out.

Anyways, it's getting rather late. I should get heading to bed.

Later days,
Nate

New MSN addy,

2007-10-30T13:58:20Z

If I haven't added you yet, then feel free to add me:

spiral.scent.sation@gmail.com

I know I forgot some people, so now's your chance to correct my mistake, by adding me instead!

Oh yes, that's right, Nate just combined a Cammy's Spiral Arrow with Erika's episode title in Pokemon.
I'm that darn cool.

Off to college I go!

*Ninjasmokeball*

Well...

2007-10-29T03:12:56Z

Well...I'm Single again.

That's really all I have to say....I don't know what else to say....

October!

2007-10-26T10:06:19Z

Well, the last month has been alright, nothing really too critical has happened this month, though a couple days ago I had a very strange dream.

I dreamed I was part of a different family, and that my parents were really into role-playing, I mean, really into it. They weren't my "in-real-life" parents, in fact, they seemed somewhat opposite of them, physically anyways. We lived downtown, next to the elementary school, and we had this huge bathroom downstairs, with fairly odd pictures on the walls, because supposedly my "dad" was an artist, and not just any kind of artist, a transformation artist, which was rather strange. There were pictures of human girls turning to bunny girls, and human boys turning into bunny girls and such, rather kinky, but it didn't seem to bother me. As I got out of the bathtub, and headed to my room, dad handed me a costume and said, "Tonight's role-play night, you're the mom tonight." I nodded, as if it was no big deal, and closed the door to my room. I got into my costume, but forgot to put on the white tights, and when my dad saw, he got angry, and shunned me from role-playing for the next few days until I "understood the importance of the costume." I was extremely depressed for those few days, in fact, I was openly crying, and my dad refused to feed me, and mom gave me the cold shoulder and such. It was getting rather depressing, until one day, I decide to finally give my apologies to my father, in which he gives me a different costume with a sly smile. It felt like a lengthly process, it lasted forever. @__@;

It was Snow White dress, only instead of that blue, it was a green color. I put it on, thinking that I'll finally prove my worth to pseudo-dad, and once I'm fully into the costume, shoulder-length black haired wig and all, I find that I can't take the dress off, no matter how much I tug and pull on it, so I start pulling on the wig, and find that it feels like I'm pulling my real hair. I was beginning to panic, and as I head to my mirror, I find that my entire body has changed to that of a lovely girl who looks beautiful in the green Snow White-like dress. I scream, rather loudly, (not in my own voice,) and I wake up instantly.

It's the first time in one of my few transformation dreams, that I actually stayed asleep through the entire process. This dream felt really real too, and I completely believed that the people in the dream were my real family. It was really, really strange. I almost had to remind myself who my parents were when I woke up. It was that intense. I just wish I could have explained it better detail, I kind of just...zoomed through that description.

Anyways, weird dreams aside, college is alright, a little boring, but alright. Met some new people, but no one really to classify as a "friend," just people I know the names of. A couple weeks ago I was eating nachos, and someone said that I eat like a girl. I looked at her, and asked why. She pointed at my hands, which happened to be cheese-free. (What can I say, I'm a clean eater, I hate it when my hands have something guey on them, so I was constantly wiping my fingers off with a napkin.) Then, as I took a drink of my water, the same girl said that I drink like a girl as well, so I asked why. She said, "You're holding the bottle with your finger tips, and your pinky is slightly up." I gave her a blank stare, took a long sip of my water bottle, holding the bottle as "manly" as I could. She then began to laugh a little. XD;

OH! I started Anastasia's journal this last week!

A Pretentious Nip

If you haven't added her yet, you Network folk, do so now! =D

I finished watching Lucky Star, and Fate/Stay Night this month as well. Fate/Stay Night was GREAT. @__@; I watched it all this week. Not as great as Kanon was, but still good nevertheless. I wish Lucky Star ended more epically then it did. The ending disappointed me. T-T

Well, I best be going now.

Later days,
Nate

My legs have been bothering me...

2007-10-09T07:39:04Z

For the past year, my legs have been bothering me. For instance, the other day, as I brushed my teeth, my right knee suddenly couldn't sustain my weight, or something, because I started feeling a kind of stingy feeling, and it hurt whenever I put any pressure on it. It shook off eventually, but that's not the first time it happened. A couple days before that, the same leg kinda gave out as I got into bed. I didn't really worry about it, I was about to sleep anyways, but still. It kinda worries me. For the past year, I've been worried about my legs. They seem to give out at the most random of moments. Only once has the arch on my right foot couldn't sustain any pressure. It felt really bad. @__@; That was around a month or so ago. This hasn't happened at school yet, or around my parents, which is a good thing. I don't want them to worry.

Also, you know how if you get chocolate milk on a white shirt, and how the stain looks after you let it dry? Have you ever had a mark like that appear on your skin? o.o;;; When I got out of the shower this morning, I found a spot like that just underneath my chest, a couple actually, all rather small. I don't think they were there last week...I don't remember any marks being on my skin like that. That's also worrying me...

I'm kind of scared really. I hate going to the Doctor's, and the last thing I want is some huge deal, and him/her prescribing a lot of medicine...my health hasn't exactly been perfect.

On a lighter note, I went to a Weird Al concert on Saturday. I went with Juan's family + Tolan. It was awesome. ^_^;

I don't know what else to say, I just felt like making an entry tonight, to pass the time...

Later days,
Nate

Internet troubles.

2007-08-23T10:16:28Z

So, at around midnight, my internet went "HAHAHA, F-YOU NATE." And disconnected me for around two hours.

Ticked me off around 15 minutes. I figured it was just my computer being stupid, so I restarted twice, nothing. It wasn't until my brother pointed out that his computer's internet wasn't working either that I figured it was the wireless router. So, I figured, "Meh, parents probably forgot to pay the bill." So, I watched the last four episodes of Haruhi before I decided to check if the internet wanted to work again, and boom! It did. So here I am now.

I went from being really angry, to wanting to cry.

Episode 14, or, in Sato's world, "Episode 6," ended so epic, and so "wanting-more," that it just put me in a little depression.

And now it's like, 3:15 AM, and I was going to write an Erika entry, but I'm just not in the mood anymore. Funny what the internet does to do, yes? Let's hope tomorrow wants me to write the Erika entry. >>;

Later days,
Nate

Cracks Knuckles

2007-08-22T10:26:59Z

I'm bored, and tonight, I was planning on doing a few things.

1) Finish a sprite for my fakedex with Opal Neko on PMF. Link.
2) Then, afterwards, write an Erika journal entry since I'm due for one this month.
3) Then perhaps start on a sprite for the Tuscert Fakedex, since I told Sean I would help out, despite my rather busy schedule at the moment.

BUT! Alas, I find myself in a situation where I don't feel like doing either of those things at the moment. Why? I don't know, maybe it's the fact that it's 3 in the morning, and as such, I just really feel like doing something remotely stupid.

I don't know how I did it, but I got myself REALLY busy with internet-related matters. For instance, since PMF was hacked a couple weeks ago, I sorta put my future RP plans for its Role-Play on hold. I was planning on having the RP open by at least October, but that doesn't look to be happening now. @__@; It's the Pokemon Mutation Role-play (PMR), which has started over many times. Seika, our former Co-Admin at PMF, was the head of it, but once the last one failed, I offered to take it over. So now, me and my team of RP Moderators are hard at work getting PMR rebuit. However, half my team of mods are gone on holiday, therefore, I can't really go on without them. Damn you holidays!

Also, at the beginning of this month, I decided to start back up my sprite request threads, since I wanted to get some sprite work done. I got a couple requests done, then got bored. XD; So I started working on my own projects, and thus, the pile of requests just keep coming up, and now I'm in a huge mess that I really don't feel like cleaning up.

Also related to sprite work is my fakedex with Opal Neko, and my sprite work for Tuscert. @__@; Both require complete scratching, so it's going to be a while until I get all of that finished, especially with how fast Opal Neko is spitting out ideas. It's going to be a while before I totally catch up with it all. At least for Tuscert, I so far, only see two fakes, which is AWESOME. Since that means less work! =D

By the way, I got asked today to do the sprite work Tuscert, and I can't say "no" to someone, it's just not my style. A curse I guess I have to live with, and the more I find out I'm more like my Tia Yolanda then meets the eye.

1) She likes Smallville (I like Smallville)
2.) She's a people-pleaser (I'm a people-pleaser)
3.) She doesn't eat food when a group of people has touched it. (Same here.)
4.) She worked at a fashion place, thus, her taste of color-choosing is awesome. (Irene says my color-taste is awesome. XD; )
5.) She can be quite quirky. (Hello, I'm Nate.)

So, yeah. Kind of creepy.

Monday was the best episode of Kyle XY EVER.
If you missed Monday's episode of Kyle XY, you better wish it's going to be one again sometime soon, because it was quite the episode!

Also, started watching Haruhi. Loves it. Currently on episode 10.

Maybe tomorrow I'll do my Erika journal entry. I already have my idea, I just need to write it! It's based off a conversation my mom and I had around a month ago at the movie theater when we saw the new Harry Potter movie. It was an awesome conversation, definitely "Erika-isque" if I do say-so myself. *Lol, cocky Nate is cocky.*

Anyways, best be off!

Later days,
Nate

Alright, so I just woke up....

2007-07-23T19:23:50Z

And while I was sleeping, I had probably one of the most real dreams I've had in a while.

I was on a school-related trip, much like the one I took earlier this year for making DECA State, so everyone, including myself were in "business" attire. Well, when we finally get to our destination, which turns out to be a huge hotel, much like the the Hilton I stayed at earlier this school year, I meet a girl. She has blonde hair, wears geeky glasses, seems to be really shy. I start talking to her, and I automatically feel comfortable, I didn't have to think of what I said, I just said it, and she reacted in a way that one would like another to react too, I later find out that her name is Jennifer Slade.

As the dream goes on, we start to develop this deep friendship, it felt really real. In one scene, were sitting outside a locked door in a hallway, and we're bored. Jennifer pulls out these two bouncy balls, and she doesn't bounce them or anything, she instead, tells me to notice the bumps on them. Now, we're in a group of people, so when we have bouncy balls, people are going to want us to bounce them, and when a parent-advisor sees us with, she immediately wants us to put them away. We don't, we claim we're just noticing the texture, and really, we were. Jennifer begins to prick the bumps off her bouncy ball, curls them up so the bump turns into a ball shape, and begins to throw them around at people. The people get excited, and begin to bounce the little balls, which creates havoc. Jennifer then tells me to follow her, and I do. She leads me to this store inside the hotel. It was an old looking store, the kind of store one would expect antique furniture to be sold at. She leads me to this section full of old video game things, and the first thing I notice is the array of old N64 games, which are still labled their original price. I get really excited, because it's not everyday that you find something like this.

It wasn't long until I realized that I couldn't hear Jennifer anywhere, so I turn around, notice she's gone, and start to look for her. I look for her for a long time, asking people around. An alarm starts to go off, and the people around me get anxious. The alarm turns out to be false, but I feel that Jennifer was probably the cause, so I ask the staff where the alarm originated, they tell me, and I go off to continue my search. As I run towards where the alarm first originated, I hear a group of people talking to each other, claiming how a someone named Jenny Slade committed suicide. I immediately stop, and walk towards the group of people, rather angry. I ask where they heard such an ordeal, but they merely pointed towards the balcony outside. I run to there, and it's raining . I look around, find nothing, and I begin to cry, so I take a seat. It felt so real. To cry when you hear people tell rumors to eachother claiming that someone died, I was beginning to believe that what they said was true. I shook it off, and began searching again, but as I continue, I run into Nathan Rios, my friend's brother, saying that it was time to go, and I was just in disbelief. It couldn't be time to go yet. I tell him just to tell the bus people to hold up, as I haven't fully gathered my things yet, which was true, I haven't been in my hotel room since the morning.

I continue my search, looking into every room, and getting more anxious within every moment. She had to be around somewhere, she couldn't have just disappeared. A person in a suit suddenly calls out my name, asking if I was who I was. I nod, and he claims I must go to the bus now, as they have been waiting for just around an hour. I refuse, claiming I must find Jenny, half-crying, so I run into the other direction, until I got to a flight of stairs, and I begin to run down them, the person behind me, following me. The stairs lead outside, to the courtyard, and I look around, and to many surprise, don't find anything. I fall to my knees, and begin to just full-out cry. I looked everywhere, and couldn't find her. The person grabs me, holding me back, and keeps saying that it's time to go, that it's time to go home. I escape his grasp, and find more stairs as I run away. It was now sunny outside, and the stairs were concrete, so it they had this brown/orange-look to them. Japanese music begins to play, as if it were in a movie, and I wake up.

----

I haven't had a dream that felt like this in quite the while, and I think it's the first I've ever fully remembered a dream like this. o.o; It was just, so memorable, I just wish I could have written it better. I was in a rush, because I just wanted to jot this down before I forgot it. It felt so real, it was just....it left me with that "wow" feeling when I woke up. I immediately got onto my computer when I woke up, so I can tell people, but the people I usually talk too either had to run, or weren't on! So I was beginning to wonder if I was meant to forget it, however, I remembered my LJ, and thus, boom. Documented this so I can read it later. I still can't believe it.

So, a few things ended this week.

2007-05-19T07:14:58Z

Tuesday changed my life forever. Gilmore Girls ended. I mean, the whole series is over with, no more, nothing. The show that I feel in love with, is gone. The show that made me happy, and put in that good mood is over. I'm really going to miss it, even though I do own seasons 1-6 on DVD. Meh...I always looked forward to Tuesdays...but now, my life serves no purpose, especially since I'm no longer "Erika" from the Network. I'm not suicidal. (Just thought I'd let you know.)

People didn't even tell me until today. Meh, and I was angry enough as it is, so the fact that they decided to tell during the last minute rather ticked me off. They could have told me two nights ago, I mean Sean was telling about the happenings in Celadon as of late, but meh, I guess he didn't know either. Blackjack could have told me as well, I mean, we talked just a couple nights ago. I wasn't even that good in the first place. Well, I never kept track of what was going on, since I was always busy with my school matters, especially now. ._.; (Got like, 15 worksheets, plus vocabulary words, plus sheet of actual questions to answer for Mary Shelley's Frankenstein. Then, the entire Magazine project for my Graphic Design class is due on Friday. It was originally going to be due on the June 1st, but thanks to our counselor's awesome planning, she decided to make our grades due on the 25th for Seniors, making us cram everything into one full week.) I couldn't really get into the mood with "advanced" RPers, mainly Jax, and Lenore. I don't know why really. I just couldn't get into my usual character whenever they were around. I hated having to somewhat quit the Network, but meh, I hated how they just blasted that info on me. I let out my anger on PSO afterwards. Yeah, I started playing PSO again. Grew 9 levels in two days, because I actually know what I'm doing this time.

Made my first sprite in five months this last week...

Grey's Anatomy was good. I hope the actor who plays George doesn't leave...he's my favorite character in the series.

Well, I got Pearl a couple weeks ago, my team are all level 65 at the moment. If you want my Friend Code, just contact me. =)

Later days,
~~Erika~~ Nate

1_precious_sign @ 2007-03-04T22:37:00

2007-03-05T06:56:05Z

La, le, la, le , la, le...

So, yes, I have been gone for quite the while, and yes, I haven't a clue on what's going on in all of your lives. You see, I haven't read anything concerning any of my internet friends for an entire month because I wanted to see if I can do such a thing. See if I can..not care about what happens in your lives, and, well, whee...accomplished that. It just happened, I didn't plan it on or anything. Days grew into weeks, and weeks grew into a month. I just kept finding myself busy with other matters. That's all. It's like taking a week off from school. You come back, everyone asks where you've been, and why.

School has been more-or-less...a dread to go to lately. My friends are treating me like crap because I won't talk to this girl, and it's just all a huge mess. It wasn't until this last Friday that I actually felt "welcome" in "our" little group and such. I had everything planned out for Valentine's Day. I was going to give her this chocolate rose thing, and a CD. Then just walk away, and most likely work on the night before's Spanish homework. That didn't exactly happen. Appearently my friends decided it would be a great idea to actually WATCH this happen, all following me into the library. I didn't like that, and went out the door, causing quite the unneccessary scene. Making me feel really stupid. Friends haven't really treated me like a friend since then, thus, making me feel really crummy. They'd keep bringing it up in our conversations, and I eventually just walked away from them. Ignoring them. God, I hate them.

Valentine's Day was also a live wrestling event in Yakima, which I attended. It was awesome, bought myself a CM Punk hat, and when CM Punk wrestled Kevin Thorn, I cheered for Kevin Thorn, because it's a lot more fun to cheer for the heel, because the crowd goes silent when they do a devastating move, thereby giving me supreme yelling time.

Still haven't talked to the girl by the way. Too awkward. She did get the CD though; I took the loser's path, and had my freshman cousin give it to her. Oh yes. Good job Nate.

ANYWAYS. This weekend, I shaved my beard, making my chin feel naked, because for 11 months it was covered. That same day I bought the second season of "Joan of Arcadia" with the money I had saved up. I couldn't find the first, and figured the second would be good enough. Today, my cousin kneed me in the side of the nose accidently, causing it too bleed. That's never happened to me before. It was weird too.

Thursday I head to the Seattle area for the DECA State competition. I'm going to in the Seattle area from Thursday - Saturday. I've never been away from home that long before, and I've never been to Seattle without at least one of my parents with me, so yeah...I also heard we're going to get on a boat, and I've never actually been on a boat before...merely because I can't exactly swim, and water scares me. SO....yeah.

Maybe this month of March will be better than this last February, because seriously, besides the DECA Area VI competition and WWE Smackdown! coming to Yakima, it sucked. In fact, so far, the year 2007 has sucked. This just isn't my year...

Later days,
Nate

Guess what?!

2007-02-02T21:28:49Z

I GOT FIFTH PLACE OVERALL AT THE DECA AREA VI COMPETITION.

I'M GOING TO STATE.

=D

Nate's been gone lately, hasn't he?

2007-01-30T07:38:51Z

Damn straight.

I don't care really. Tired. Trying to get through my Senior year without feeling like a load of shit (and I'm pretty much failing at that,) and damn. It's Monday night. The last Monday of January. And here I am. Typing my life away. I'm really thinking of just...quitting all this online work I make myself do. It's just not fun anymore. I've gone the past month without really doing anything internet-wise. The Network is becoming a burden, I just don't want to chat with the people anymore, except for Blackjack. I like talking to Blackjack. tCoD is feeling like a waste of time. Floop keeps doing my job in the only part of the forum I moderate, and that's pissing me off a bit. PMF, well, is PMF. Nothing much to say here. Though, what's been surprising me lately are my chats with Julie from PMF. I haven't talked to her in ages, and this month, I just started again. Haha. Funny.

Well, I'm going to bed, tomorrow's Tuesday. Tomorrow equals a new episode of Gilmore Girls.

Wednesday is my DECA Area competition in Kennewick, and tomorrow I'm getting all my "nice" clothes I have to wear to the event.

It's going to be a tiring.............................

Tell you more about my life some other time.

Later days,
Nate

My dad has to wear glasses, my dad has to wear glasses....

2007-01-17T05:51:55Z

Yes, yes, Mr. 20/20 vision had to go to the eye doctor today, because something got in his eye, and well, it was bugging him. Once there, the doctor did a vision test, and boom! MY DAD NEEDS READING GLASSES. HAHAHAHA...so much for being the only person besides our dog who doesn't need glasses. ;P

Also, my Dad's been watching G4 lately. Why? Because Cops is on that channel now, and thus, he's been watching the G4 network, and is now watching other shows on that channel. It's rather creepy, seeing that my dad isn't into technology and stuff.

Other news, I didn't go to school today. My stomach wasn't feeling well, as I had the constant urge to see Ralph all day, but nevertheless, I grew two levels in Phantasy Star Online! I'm now level 33. MAG 1 is level 80, and MAG 2 is level 39 (?) might be 40, I can't remember at this exact moment of time. I saw Freedom Writers on Saturday, and it's a great movie. If you haven't see it, I say you should! That same Saturday, I went to a Yakima Sunkings basketball game with my brother, father, and his friend Gilbert. All I have to say is that the Seattle Supersonics Dance Team was there, and there skin is looks really really smooth. We had good seats, meaning first row, nearest the locker room, so whenever they got their little skits done, they would come running back in our direction waving. They didn't really have pretty faces, maybe two did, but meh. Their skin though, as a mentioned, looked very smooth. o.o;

That same Saturday, I sorta...broke it off with...well, yeah. I don't feel like going much into detail into that, in fact, I'm just trying to ignore the entire situation so I don't have to feel more than I already have. So, I've been focusing on other things lately, like my spriting. I don't even feel comfortable RPing at the moment, but I'm sure I'll be back in business soon, besides, Erika's new Journal Entry is due, and she's been on two dates since her last entry. ;D

Well, I'm off.

1 week until new Gilmore Girls episode!

Later days,
Nate

1_precious_sign @ 2007-01-07T21:49:00

2007-01-08T05:55:49Z

1.YOUR PORN STAR NAME
(name of first pet + street you live on):
Nugget Sandy Lane

2. YOUR MOVIE STAR NAME
(grandmother's/father's first name + favorite snack)
Leonel Pudding

3. YOUR FASHION DESIGNER NAME
(first word you see on your left + favorite restaurant)
Allegro Wendys

4. YOUR SOCIALITE NAME
(silliest childhood nickname + first town where you partied):
Natron Grandview

5. YOUR "FLY GIRL/GUY" NAME
(first initial + first three letters of your last name)
N. Hin

6. YOUR DETECTIVE NAME
(favorite animal + name of high school):
Kitty Grandview

7. YOUR BARFLY NAME
(last snack food you ate + your favorite drink)
Lays Mt. Dew

8. YOUR SOAP OPERA NAME
(middle name + city where you were born):
Jay Yakima

9. YOUR ROCK STAR NAME
(favorite candy + favorite musician's last name):
M & M Tunstal

10. YOUR OPPOSITE SEX NAME
(name of [opposite sex] friend + cell phone company you use):
Victoria (Don't own a cell phone, so, in other words, I'm like a super model, and just go by my first name. XD)

11. YOUR STAR WARS NAME
(first 3 letters of your last name + last 3 letters of mother's maiden name)
Hinina

---
I say I have some pretty cool names.

Well, I should actually be doing my homework at the moment, but...

2007-01-05T06:41:18Z

Well, I should actually be doing my homework at the moment, but...I can't concentrate on it. I haven't been able to concentrate on this English assignment since she assigned it, and being the type of person I am, decided to procastinate, leaving me only this night to do everything, and I'm deathly tired. I have a headache, and I feel like talking to Irene, because I just...feel like talking to her, though lately, I haven't felt really connected to her, but I totally had a breakdown last night. I was watching the Season Finale of Gilmore Girls, Season 6, and what they were saying in the show, really made me think, it really hit me, like it never hit me before.

Linny: So, what you gonna do? Only you can make you wait. Nobody else can. You need to decide what you want and what you're willing to give up to get it. And then you've got to be okay with that. Or you've got to be okay with waiting.

Lorelai: I could lose him if I pushed too hard.

Linny: You don't really seem to have him now. At least not the way you want to have him. You won't get anything unless you ask for it. Then if you ask for it and you don't get it, maybe it wasn't worth having in the first place. Some things are just never meant to be. No matter how much we wish they were.

Lorelai: Can only imagine what you could do if you had a couch.

There was more...but that's all that was on Wikiquote...

Anyways, after hearing that, my eyes burning, I logged back in, and I had a sort of...mental breakdown with Irene. I cried, though, I didn't tell her I was. I was shaking because I was cold. I was afraid. I didn't want tomorrow to come. It was the first time I really told anyone anything since that dreadful September night when two things happened in my life, that I'd rather forget. One of which, constantly replays in my mind whenever I walk past the home she was in on my walk home from school.

It was the first time I trusted someone in a long time...Irene, I love you. I just wish I knew how to express it. I know it seems like I haven't been myself since the 13th of December, judging by all my journal entries as of late, it's just...I'm trying to trust you, I was getting flustered with myself, because I couldn't seem to, it was driving me insane, doubting myself, doubting my actions, feeling self-pity, and last night, it was great. I finally got myself over that barrier, even if my eyes decided to keep crying as I laid in bed, trying to fall alseep.

I'm aching for someone to talk to, it's just...I can't start the conversation. My mind isn't well right now, I can't think straight, this paper I'm writing for English...is sounding just...lame, and I hate it. I wish I could trust more people...I wish I wouldn't isolate myself from the members of the Network, as in, actually having conversations with the actual members, instead of being afraid. I wish I could express my feelings for Irene better. I wish I could just...focus on something and get it finished with. I wish...I wish I was a girl sometimes, because it just seems easier to express myself if I was....I wish...everything was just easier...everything hurts....everything never seems to go the way I want it, because I always pull myself back, for whatever reason....I hate school, I wish I felt accepted...I wish people would really trust me....I wish....I wish...it sucks...

Meh...I'm going to finish this sucky paper now...damn it. I need someone to talk to....

1_precious_sign @ 2007-01-03T22:20:00

2007-01-04T06:20:27Z

I suck.

Animagus Thing DE wanted me to do. XD;

2007-01-04T04:03:39Z

1. What House were you sorted into?
Hmm...that one over there. =D *Points* It's purple.

2. What's your favorite animal?
Hmm...I don't really have a favorite animal, though, if I had to choose, I would say...I don't know, I can't think of anything. o.o;

3. What are some of your worst traits? Strongest traits?
Well, lately, I haven't been able to really trust anyone, though, I am trying to get myself relaxed again. I also self-critize myself a little too much, espeically about my own work. I tend to procastinate, even on the assignments that are worth the most points. I can't think of anymore at the moment...and I can't think of any of my strongest traits either...

4. If you were carrying a purse or package down the street and someone ran by and stole it, how would you react?
Well, I would be angry at first, and try to chase the person, but I know I wouldn't be able to catch the person, so would just end up failing with a loss of breath. I would then just get angry at myself, and meh...

5. Describe yourself in three words:
Moody, Deep, and Sympathetic <-- DE told me. ;D

6. What would your perfect weekend be?
Well, slight snow would be coming down, not heavy, not light, just...perfect snow. Enough to make a snowman, you know? Well, Irene would be there...and we'll just do stuff together, nice stuff, things that make us happy. =)

7. How do you react to stress and pressure?
I'll end up getting stressed myself, and would probably end up mentally collapsing under the pressure. Meaning, I would begin to doubt things, and just...wouldn't be able to just feel comfortable.

8. Where do you want to visit in the future?
I was actually going to plan a trip with my friend to Europe, like in Gilmore Girls! =D

9. What are your favorite types of food?
I don't know really, I never had a favorite type of food. o.o;

10. Friends: Quality, or quantity?
Quality. =D

11. A friend of yours is being picked on for their beliefs; how do you react?
I'll defend my friend, no matter what.

12. Where do you feel most at home and comfortable?
My Grandma's house in Prosser, though....she's moving soon...and meh...

13. If you could choose, what country would you live in?
ITALY. XD;

14. How do you spend your free time?
On the enterwebs.

15. One dream that you desperately want to make reality?
The perfect weekend.

16. If you could have one wild animal as a pet (providing that it wouldn't harm you), which would that be and why?
I already have the coolest pet ever, Roxy, and I'll qualify her as wild...she does bite my fingers when we play. =D;;

17. Which trait would you prefer most and why? (or list in order) breathe under water, blend into environment, flying ability, poison/venom, quick reflexes, speed, strength, heightened senses:
I don't know...none of these powers really interest me, but if anything, speed, because I've always wanted to feel how it's like to just...be fast. I've never felt it before. Just, now the Flash fast, that's too fast. XD;

I snapped...

2007-01-03T05:23:57Z

I totally snapped on a member today, and I didn't mean to do it. Everyone has their mistakes, yes? It's just this person kept on crit'ing my sprites, telling me what s/he thought was wrong and usually, I value such criticism, but today, I just wasn't feeling too well. I'm just trying to figure things out, trying to find out why I can't seem to trust people anymore, even the people I care for most. I even snapped at Sean and Irene today. They invited me into this conversation I wasn't preparred for. It was early, I was tired, and I just wanted to have a friendly conversation with Irene before I tackled my closet, but I get pulled into this conversation. Sean just kept asking me questions all relating to one huge one, "What's wrong with you?!" Even though he never asked it. And it's just...blah. I couldn't handle it, so I left. I knew their intentions were good, but meh, I didn't want to deal with it, and I'm sorry. It's just...I can't just ask someone if they want to play. I can't; though I did try today, but got rejected. I hate it. I'd rather people just ask me. It's easier that way, because that way, I don't have to deal with people saying "no." Meh...today wasn't a good one. I just...can't get over my trust issue. Again, I ask, what's wrong with me? I never snap at people, yet, here I am.

One. Big. Headache. x_x;

1_precious_sign @ 2007-01-01T23:22:00

2007-01-02T07:23:53Z

What does it mean when someone says:

"I don't value feelings." ?

Yes, I know, it depends on the context, but I don't know the context in which it was said, and instead of telling me "it depends on the context," why don't you describe the possible situation, and tell me what it means when that situation arises. It's bothering the hell out of me, I can't even concentrate on this freaking sprite I'm working on. >_<;

I feel like a stubborn little baby.

2006-12-31T09:07:40Z

I feel like a stubborn little baby, because I keep writing about things that don't make me feel well. I feel like I'm whining. I feel spoiled. I don't like it, but meh, as I mentioned before, this is my journal. And yes, I know, that sounded like a spoiled statement. ._.;

Anyways, as much as I hate to admit it, I really don't feel like a member of The Network "family." I don't know why, I just never have, even from the very beginning. Maybe I'm just not making the effort. I love RPing as Erika, but there are times when I just can't do it, becauseI can't RP well infront of certain people. Like the person who plays Lenore. I can never RP well when she's in the little Network chatroom. Same when Jax is playing. Maybe I just have problems with authority, but then again, I can RP well when Blackjack, Sato and Sean are in the room. I don't know. It's just...people don't try to catch my attention when I don't say anything from around ten-twenty minutes. People don't seem to care about me. Even on the forums I go to, PFU, TCOD, and PMF. It's the same thing. It's like the feeling you get when you feel left out, when you get picked last during PE, those kinds of feelings. It sucks.

Irene can tell me over and over again that she loves me, but I just don't believe her, because I just don't feel it. She doesn't talk to me really, and when I do attempt to start a chat up, she doesn't respond, or just brushes it off. We have to have that "awesome" conversation. Shall I explain? Yeah...I guess I should. You see, I've been two different relationships prior to this, and during both, there existed a conversation, a conversation so awesome, so great, so wonderful, that you can read it, over and oever again, and not get bored of reading it. It just puts a smile on your face everytime you read it. The conversation makes you feel happy when you're feeling you're worst. It's an awesome conversation. We haven't had that yet, and it's worrying me. I wish I could believe her, I really, really, really, really wish I did, but I just don't feel it from her. It's the truth, and it hurts. I don't want to break up, I love her, it's just...I don't think she feels the same.

I'm scared right now, because who knows what could stir up because of what I've just written. People could get angry, people could just roll their eyes thinking, "Meh, Nathan..." followed by a mental sigh. Meh...I'm tired, when I'm tired I tend to write my mind. I'm going to bed.

Later days,
--Nate

Did I do something wrong?

2006-12-30T09:52:05Z

Because seriously.

No one is talking to me anymore.

I talk to them, they don't say anything back.

Even the usual people who IM me when I log in.

What did I do? o.o;

Anyways, got the second season of Gilmore Girls, making my collection complete, but meh, not in the mood to really celebrate.

Going to bed.

Later days.
--Nate

Alright, what I got for Christmas:

2006-12-26T17:41:38Z

Alright, what I got for Christmas:

Sabu Wrestling Action Figure.
nWo Wolfpac Hollywood Hulk Hogan Wrestling Action Figure.
"Rowdy" Roddy Piper Wrestling Action Figure.
"Mr. Wonderful" Paul Orndorff Wrestling Action Figure.
"Ace Cowboy" Bob Orton, Jr. Wrestling Action Figure.
John Cena Wrestling Action Figure
Edge Wrestling Action Figure
Rocky movie three pack. (Rocky I, II, and III)
O, Yeah! : Ultimate Aerosmith Hits CD.
Early Days and Latter Days: The Best of Led Zeppelin Volumes One and Two CD.
The History of the WWE Championship DVD
Cologne w/Snickers Mini Candy Bars.
Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess
The Nintendo Wii

Wasn't expecting to get the Wii, but here's the story:

You see, I open gifts from my parents on Christmas Eve, and they told me that I'll get my "big" gift on Christmas since it "couldn't fit in the car, because of my brother's new sterero," and they had to give it to Tio Juan and Tia Stacy since they lived in the area where they got it. And that had me baffled. The told me "I was going to freak." Hadn't a clue what it could be, and I knew it couldn't be the Wii, because you know how small of boxes those are in. So I waited. Sat. Played with my new wrestling toys for twenty-four hours, while listening to Aerosmith and Led Zepplelin, and then, Christmas came. We go to my Grandma Urbina's, (we were the first there as always), and we waited for all our relatives. (My Tia Yoyo takes forever to get there, and is always the last one.) My nine year old cousin (I think he's nine...he might be ten. XD; ) came in all excited with a bright orange backpack, jumping up and down screaming "I GOT A WII, AND IT'S IN MY BACKPACK!" I laughed, I hadn't seen him that excited ever. So, as the gift pile kept growing, I began to notice there wasn't a huge box the size my brother's stereo was in, so I started thinking, and couldn't come up with anything on what this "big" gift might be. After a while, after my Tia Yoyo got all settled, and her kids a little settled down, and her husband, Norm, on the couch watching the Cowboy game, we started passing gifts around. I get this blue box. It was fairly big, and heavy. I rip open the paper, and notice that it's a big brown box. So I open the box, and what's in the box? A Victoria's Secret bag. (SHUT UP WITH THE GIRL COMMENT, THAT'S TOO EASY. XD) Now there wasn't a name on the gift in the first place, but the people said it was mine, so I had this "WTF" expression on my face, as I pulled the bag out, laughing at the same time there layed the Nintendo Wii. Did I freak out? Yes, though not to the same extent my cousin did. My dad had a huge smile on his face, as did my mom.

Now how did they get it?

Well, first of all, my mom and dad aren't the kind of people to wait in line for hours none-end. They aren't very patient, ESPECIALLY MY MOM. XD Anyways, my Tia Stacy works for Wal*Mart, they got three in, she held one for my mother, and end of story. =)

Well, I got a Wii now, along with Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess which I got from my Tia Yoyo, and it's pretty fun. I gave my "Mii" eyes like BROCK from POKEMON. =D (Screw the rules, I'm in love with Nurse Joy!)

Later days, and Merry (late) Christmas everyone!

One Precious Sign

Made new LJ.

3:22 AM.

Damn!

Saltine Crackers with Cheese.

New MSN addy,

Well...

October!

My legs have been bothering me...

Internet troubles.

*Cracks Knuckles*

Alright, so I just woke up....

So, a few things ended this week.

1_precious_sign @ 2007-03-04T22:37:00

Guess what?!

Nate's been gone lately, hasn't he?

My dad has to wear glasses, my dad has to wear glasses....

1_precious_sign @ 2007-01-07T21:49:00

Well, I should actually be doing my homework at the moment, but...

1_precious_sign @ 2007-01-03T22:20:00

Animagus Thing DE wanted me to do. XD;

I snapped...

1_precious_sign @ 2007-01-01T23:22:00

I feel like a stubborn little baby.

Did I do something wrong?

Alright, what I got for Christmas:

Cracks Knuckles